Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Homesick at home

I have been homesick these past couple of days. The most bizarre feeling. Usually homesick means Im in New York missing my sisters and my birth city Barranquilla. But I am currently in Barranquilla and I find myself missing New York.

Prospect Park
 The ironic part is I am tired of New York. Im sick of the snow on the streets, the crowds on the train and mean people everywhere. I want to experience a different America where I dont have to rush to and from places. However, here in Barranquilla I talk about my everyday places like Prospect Park, the train, Coney Island, the streets of Flatbush, and everything seems beautiful and magical again seen through the lens of the distance. Being away from the life I created for me has made me realize how much I love it because it allows me to be myself.

On the other hand theres the continuous double conciousness of all immigrants. I feel guilty for being homesick because I AM home. In another ¨home¨. Its like my colombianness slaps me. Then I think about the fact that I am leaving next week and I get sad. I will miss my family very much. So my American self kicks me instead saying I should be glad to go back home to my life.

Either way I loose. I cannot separate myself I am both. Im as excited to be here as I am to go back home. I am as sad to leave Colombia and as I am to be away from New York. The realization I have come to terms with is that this doubleness will never stop. I will always be home and away from home at the same time. Its called being a immigrant.